Dirty Words

After talking with Mariam extensively about all this, I'm going to make a few changes:

1) Eliminate certain words from my vocabulary about myself

I'm taking this one step at a time. The first thing is to stop saying things about myself that are negative. Being negative about myself is ultimately harmful because it eats away from who I really am. I'm not a failure. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a disgrace or disgusting or disappointing. The people who have said those things about me had no right to do do. I have no right to say these things about myself.

When anyone I've cared about has told me they've fell short of a goal, I've never allowed them to call themselves failures. I asked if they tried their best, and if they have, then I've told them the goal they had just wasn't meant to be. God had a different plan for them. So, I think that's what I should believe for myself. I haven't failed. God had a different plan for me, and calling myself a failure isn't going to make anything better.

I'm eliminating words like "fail" and "disgrace" from my vocabulary to describe myself.

To lose is to lose, not fail

Guru from Gang Starr once rapped,

"Don't let a win get to your head, or a loss to your heart."

I think one of my greatest vices is I let *every* loss get to my heart and stay there. A lot of people I know tell me I'm an incredibly positive person, but I think that description only applies to half of me, the half I show the world.

I see myself negatively. And like, I think the problem is negativity is addictive. Everyone has things about themselves they don't like and everyone has self-doubt. When you feed that self doubt with the things you don't like about yourself, that doubt turns into self-hate and that's a dangerous thing. It's no longer being honest with yourself, it's hurting yourself.

Here's the positive thing about myself for today: I see positive traits in other people they can't always see in themselves. I deserve to see the same positive things in myself.